Grab the big shoes and pile into the car

[mjennings]

Ladies and gentlemen; boys and girls, step right up and let's see who is the funniest clown in the #InstructureCarn!

As some may or may not know there was once a live forum, and in that forum was a place for Dad Jokes. I may have told one or two jokes in that spot and have definitely missed it through the last few months. So since there is a carnival a comin', I thought I would give people a chance to stretch their funny bone. If you have a good, funny, CLEAN joke* or GIF - share it with us!

I'll get us started with a few

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
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A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
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I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.

*as per Dad Joke protocol, the good & funny parts are optional, but please keep it clean.

[mjennings]

 @tdelillo ‌ 

[hensonj]

[mlerario1]

Actually, this was done back in the 70's, on an episode of Colombo. The disheveled detective was checking the alibi his chief suspect gave him. The Electronics Firm CEO said he was at an art gallery at the time of his mother-in-law's murder. Chatting with the gallery saleswoman the next day, Colombo was learning just how expensive art can be. Pointing to a painted grill on the wall near the ceiling, he asked her the price. She laughed. "Why sir. That's an air-vent". 

[hensonj]

[awilliams]

I remember these from Twitter! Love 'em! Also why I love hanging out around academics. Their sense of humor is incredible!

[hensonj]

saw this... never underestimate students is right!

[ken_cooper]

Wow, that is so good hensonj!!  Had not seen that one before, but I love it!

[ken_cooper]

Waiter:  "Is there a problem, sir?" 

Patron:  "I ordered the rabbit stew…but there’s a hare in it."

[lbarratt1]

I made a website for depressed ITS support employees but, the servers are currently down.

[Chris_Hofer]

I wanted to watch the World Origami Championships, but it was only on paper view.

[hensonj]

how do you make holy water?
you boil the hell out of it.

[bneporadny]

[ken_cooper]

 @bneporadny ‌ I'm with you on the Monday issue.

[bneporadny]

[ptart]

Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.

[hensonj]

for you  @mjennings ‌

[Chris_Hofer]

Romeo&Juliet.doc is a play on Word.

- - - - -

An opinion without pi is just an onion.

[mjennings]

Not a joke per se, however....

[mjennings]

[scottdennis]

In other words, she probably has nasty breath!

[mjennings]

You got it  @scottdennis !

[bneporadny]

[bneporadny]

[mlerario1]

I, too, struggled with this problem: how to be a successful comedian. At one point in my life, when the opportunity presented itself, I made the trip to Napal and climbed the sacred Mountain of Humor. There, wearing a funny nose and glasses, swatting flies with a big shoe, sat the Great Comedian. The sun was hot that day. The air, still. We relaxed together under a huge, colorful umbrella and sipped Mai Tais.
 
Then I asked him, "Oh Great Comedian, Guru to Dangerfield, Allen and McMahon, what is the secret to entertainment? How can I be sure to always amuse my friends and forever tickle them with my words?"
 
"It is very simple, Mario." And it was then he gave me this sage advice, which I share with you now: 
 
"Be the joke!"

[mlerario1]

I was in Harrah’s Casino the other night and after winning a couple hundred bucks at Holdem, decided to take a break and have a drink at the bar. To my great luck, a very beautiful woman entered and sat down on the stool next to me. She ordered a martini.

When the bartender brought her drink, I pushed my money toward him. As he was picking out a $20 from my wad of bills, I introduced myself to her. She said she was in town visiting her sister.

“I’m from Texas,” she explained.

“You’re from Texas? I’m from Texas! What city are you – wait – don’t tell me. You have an awesome body. You must be from Austin.”

“No,” she replied, sitting back in her seat, smiling. “I’m not from Austin. Guess again.”

“OK, let’s see, you have dazzling smile. So, maybe you’re from Dallas?”

“Nope! What else ya’ got?” she laughed, bringing her drink to her lips.

I thought for a moment and studied her. “Well, you do look like an angel. Are you from San Angelo?”

“Nope.”

“Sweetwater? Splendora?”

She set her drink down. “No. Wrong all counts.” Then she leaned forward, looked into her drink, and sighed. “No. I’m just a simple girl from Plano, Texas.” After a brief pause, she asked, “How about you? What city are you from?”

“Originally, El Paso. But I grew up in Wink.”

[bneporadny]

[bneporadny]

[mjennings]

Why did the banana have to go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling too well.

[mjennings]

Why is the math book so sad? It's got too many problems!

[mjennings]

The future, the present, and the past walk into a shady bar. Things get tense.

[kmeeusen]

[ptart]

What do you call an empty can of cheese wiz?

Cheese was.

[ptart]

Sorry for the "dirty joke".

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans.

[ptart]

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

[ptart]

Sorry - a little gruesome on this one.

Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off?

Don’t worry. He’s all right now.

[mlerario1]

A Journeyman Carpenter, I was sent to a job assembling cubicles in a Center City high rise. On the first night, I was assigned to off-load trucks in the basement, put the parts on dollies and carts, and send them up to the 10th floor via the freight elevator. 

The boss had to use the stairs to come down and see what was taking so long. Passing several Apprentices standing by the elevator, she followed the long line of cubicle parts down a narrow hallway and out to the loading dock, to find me loading a 5-drawer file cab onto a furniture dolly. "What's taking so long?" she bellowed. "I have Workers standing around up there!"

"It's an old elevator," I explained. "It's old and it's slow."

I then waxed Philosophical, "A parade is only as fast as the slowest float"

True story.

[Chris_Hofer]

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree.  Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"  The lumberjack grinned and said, "And you will dialogue."

[mjennings]

[mjennings]

[Chris_Hofer]

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.  The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.