Grab the big shoes and pile into the car

[mjennings]

Ladies and gentlemen; boys and girls, step right up and let's see who is the funniest clown in the #InstructureCarn!

As some may or may not know there was once a live forum, and in that forum was a place for Dad Jokes. I may have told one or two jokes in that spot and have definitely missed it through the last few months. So since there is a carnival a comin', I thought I would give people a chance to stretch their funny bone. If you have a good, funny, CLEAN joke* or GIF - share it with us!

I'll get us started with a few

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
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A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
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I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.

*as per Dad Joke protocol, the good & funny parts are optional, but please keep it clean.

[kmeeusen]

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a miniature panda in the front seat. "What are you doing with that panda?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the panda again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that panda to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/pandajokes.html

[admin]

I used to tell chemistry jokes but there was no reaction.

[kmeeusen]

Perhaps you forgot the catalyst!

[admin]

Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan.

[mjennings]

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

[mjennings]

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

[mjennings]

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

[admin]

guy in our department... every time he drives by the cemetery (next to our office)

Q: Do you know why there is a fence around the cemetery?

A: Because people are dying to get in.

[admin]

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom?

A:  Because the p is silent.

[Chris_Hofer]

I can handle algebra, trigonometry, and calculus...but geometry is where I draw the line.

There's a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.

[mjennings]

[kmeeusen]

A man is at a bar alone, having a few drinks, when he hears, “You look great in that suit.” He looks around but he’s the only one there, so he chalks it up to being tired, orders another drink and hears, “Your eyes are gorgeous.” He’s really confused but is pretty stressed out, so he orders another drink and waits. Soon he hears, “You look thinner, have you been working out?” Really starting to freak out, he calls the bartender over and asks, “Man, I think I need something to eat. Do you have a menu?” to which the bartender replies, “No, but the peanuts are complimentary.”

[kmeeusen]

An Irish priest, an English rabbi, a Welsh imam and a panda walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up at them and asks, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

[Chris_Hofer]

Here's a few from comedian Colin Mochrie from "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"...

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.

9 out of 10 Americans believe that out of ten people, one American will always disagree with the other nine.

After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty has a great fall.

[rsasso]

What does a pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face!

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

What do Cannon Balls do when they’re in love?

Make bbs.

[rwentz]

Whenever a bagger at the grocery store asked my dad if he wanted his milk in a bag, he said, "No, please leave it in the jug."

[mjennings]

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

[ken_cooper]

How come you never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

Because they always take things literally.

[rwentz]

Two guys walk into a bar...

The third one ducks.

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says...

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A hamburger walks into a bar and asks for a beer...

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

A termite walks into a bar and asks...

"Is the bar tender here?"

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "Hey"...

The horse says, "You read my mind, buddy!"

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and asks for a martini...

The bartender asks, "Olive or Twist?"

[Chris_Hofer]

Pretty sure this joke has reached it's peak.

[mjennings]

I think that summits them up as long as you are on top of it.

[admin]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[hensonj]

got a case of the mondays

[Chris_Hofer]

This is one of my favorites:

[hensonj]

I've always liked this one:

[Chris_Hofer]

Wow.

[rwentz]

Our wedding was so beautiful...

Even the cake was in tiers.

I'm terrified of elevators.

I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food.  No atmosphere.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.

[Chris_Hofer]

Everybody knows it's the early bird that gets the worm...but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

A man entered a contest by sending in ten puns...hoping that one of his puns would win, but unfortunately no pun in ten did.

[mjennings]

[Chris_Hofer]

Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid?  He said it was no problem, and he could stop any time.

Is there another word for "synonym"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

One day a snail goes up to this man's house, and the man hears a knock at the door.  The man opens the door, and he sees the snail at the foot of the door, so the man flicks the snail to the yard.  Two years later, the snail returns to door, and the man hears a knock at the door.  The man opens the door, and the snail says, "What was that all about?!"

[mjennings]

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
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My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.
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This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.

[kmeeusen]

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!

[rwentz]

Q: Why can't you have a nose 12 inches long?

A: Because then it would be a foot.

Q: What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?

A: Nobody knows.

[Chris_Hofer]

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

"Aye, matey!"

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It wasn't peeling well.

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What did the zero say to the eight?

"Hey, nice belt!"

[tdelillo]

I literally just laughed out loud at "I wondered why the ball was getting bigger, and then it hit me". 

[mjennings]

Six out of seven dwarves aren't happy.

[mjennings]

People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping.

[mjennings]

A rubber band slingshot was confiscated in algebra class for being a weapon of math disruption.

[kmeeusen]

I just want to comment on this discussion.

I am a serious user of discussions in my online courses as assignments, assessments, learning activities and for community building. Each term, I include at least one humorous discussion just for fun, and to break up the seriousness of the term a bit.

Si as you can guess, I very much appreciate this discussion in our otherwise very busy and mostly serious (until I post) Community.

Thanks,  @mjennings ‌!

Kelley

[mjennings]

You are quite welcome. I once heard a song that had the lines, "Don't trust a man that cannot be at the bottom of a joke" and "we chose not to take ourselves too seriously." I try to apply the former with myself and would greatly encourage many to do so with the latter.