Grab the big shoes and pile into the car

[mjennings]

Ladies and gentlemen; boys and girls, step right up and let's see who is the funniest clown in the #InstructureCarn!

As some may or may not know there was once a live forum, and in that forum was a place for Dad Jokes. I may have told one or two jokes in that spot and have definitely missed it through the last few months. So since there is a carnival a comin', I thought I would give people a chance to stretch their funny bone. If you have a good, funny, CLEAN joke* or GIF - share it with us!

I'll get us started with a few

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
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A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
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I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.

*as per Dad Joke protocol, the good & funny parts are optional, but please keep it clean.

[kmeeusen]

I have two sayings that most will think I use way too often.............

• If you can't laugh at yourself, that still leaves the entire rest of the world you can laugh at.
• If you can't laugh at yourself,that still leaves the entire rest of the world to laugh at you.

I never claimed to be a particularly gentle person.

[Chris_Hofer]

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

Did you hear about the antelope that was trampled by a herd of elephants while getting dressed?

He was the first self-dressed stamped antelope.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says, "Do you smell fish?"

[Chris_Hofer]

Recently, a burglar nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

There was a park ranger one day that was telling the guests about the difference between a raven and a crow.  The raven has six pinions on each wing, and the crow only has five pinions on each wing.  And really, it's just a matter of a pinion.

[mjennings]

[mjennings]

[Chris_Hofer]

My math teacher called me average.

How mean.

[Chris_Hofer]

I met some chess players in the hotel lobby.  They were bragging about how good they are.  It was Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[stuart_ryan]

Oh  @Chris_Hofer , I don't know whether to laugh or cringe!!! Mwahahaha!

[mzimmerman]

We're all doing a lot of both in this thread!

[tellison]

Just came across this one...

"If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?"

[hockin]

Q:  What do you call a cat who ate a duck?

A:  A duck-filled fatty puss.

[mjennings]

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

[mjennings]

Stories of untold suffering never stay that way.

[mjennings]

I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.

[Chris_Hofer]

"The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow, so I asked him if he was going to Parcelona.  He proceeded to ignore what I believe to be my best joke of 2018."

"Well, did you say it right?  The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery."

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.  The plot thickens.

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.  I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

"I'm going to hang a map on my wall and then put pins on every place I've visited.  But I'll have to go to the top two corners first...so the map can stay up."  - Mitch Hedberg

"I work at a fire hydrant factory.  Only problem is that I can't park anywhere near the place."  - Steven Wright

[scottdennis]

[Chris_Hofer]

One more for Friday...

Does anyone want to buy a broken barometer?  No pressure.  :smileylaugh:

[mjennings]

What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of the woods? Camembert.

[mjennings]

What cheese is made backwards?  Edam. 

[Chris_Hofer]

Wow...that was gouda.

[mjennings]

What is the best cheese to use to disguise a horse? Marscaponie.

[mjennings]

What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito?  I can't tell you, it was to cheesy.

[Chris_Hofer]

The 90s summed up in one picture.

[Chris_Hofer]

[kmeeusen]

Or perhaps, half-digested pandas?

[tdelillo]

I'm laughing because I have a dark sense of humor, but... that's a little dark.

 

[kmeeusen]

Yep,  @tdelillo 

My wife constantly reminds me that not everybody considers every topic an opportunity for humor. However, I constantly remind myself that I'm old and don't care. And see, at least one person laughed, and that's a good thing. I'll bet at least a few more laughed, but did not want to fess up.

[admin]

A funny thing about Pandas is the effective way zoo keepers have found to increase their numbers in captivity. 

As we are all aware, captive Pandas do not breed very well, but a recent revelation found they will copulate if you show them videos of other Pandas mating. It's true! And it makes me laugh because this is the definition of pandering!

[awarmar]

Oooo, burn! lol

[nbatson2]

I asked my advisor if there were any violin instruction classes. He said to go ask the department staff and that they should be there after a short rest. I made a note of this. Later, I double-timed to the department.  The instructor was too high strung and tuned me out so I decided not to fiddle with it. 

[mjennings]

I once paid $20.00 to see a Prince concert. It was awesome and I partied like it was $19.99.

[mjennings]

I'm not the biggest fan of nesting dolls. They're so full of themselves.

[mjennings]

Ready for another joke? Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

[stuart_ryan]

Badoom tish!

[admin]

The joke about "homeless" is definitely in bad taste and insensitive to people who are homeless-- and some of these may be our students with the high costs of education today!

[Chris_Hofer]

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

[Chris_Hofer]

Never trust someone with graph paper.  They're always plotting something.

[rwentz]

I love to garden.  Now that spring is finally here, I'm so excited, I wet my plants.

[tdelillo]

Here's an oldie but a goodie (my husband said this for the 5000th time last night, and I thought, oh, THAT'S going in the "Grab the big shoes" discussion):

What did one dog say to the other?

I don't know, what?

Nothing. Dogs can't talk. 

[kmeeusen]

For those old enough to get it!