Grab the big shoes and pile into the car

[mjennings]

Ladies and gentlemen; boys and girls, step right up and let's see who is the funniest clown in the #InstructureCarn!

As some may or may not know there was once a live forum, and in that forum was a place for Dad Jokes. I may have told one or two jokes in that spot and have definitely missed it through the last few months. So since there is a carnival a comin', I thought I would give people a chance to stretch their funny bone. If you have a good, funny, CLEAN joke* or GIF - share it with us!

I'll get us started with a few

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
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A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
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I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.

*as per Dad Joke protocol, the good & funny parts are optional, but please keep it clean.

[ken_cooper]

Why do we park on driveways?

And drive on parkways?

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Why do they call them apartments?

When they’re so close together?

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Why do ships carry cargo?

And trucks carry shipments?

[mjennings]

Ah.... @ken_cooper , the joys of the English language!

[tdelillo]

My husband does crypto puzzles, and the solutions are always punny. These are some recent ones:

"Using my credit card is thrilling for me - I really get a charge out of it."

"If you decide to rob a bank, shower first and you might make a clean getaway."

"At the Kentucky Derby, I asked the regulars which horse I should bet on. It was a gallop poll."

and finally...

"After the endangered bears escaped from their cage, panda-monium broke out."

[kmeeusen]

Singing in the shower is all fine and good until you get shampoo in your mouth.

Then it's just a soap opera.

[tellison]

With #instructurecon 2018‌ coming quickly, here are some Panda jokes...hopefully they have not been posted yet.

Q: What's black and white and goes round and round?

A: A panda stuck in a revolving door. 

Panda Dinner Etiquette A Panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders a meal and eats it. After politely paying for his meal, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. He immediately walks out the door. "Why did you do that?" hollered the confused waitress. Looking back over his shoulder the panda says "I'm a panda". "Look it up in the dictionary." The waitress locates the dictionary on her bosses desk and searches for the definition of panda bear. Finding it she reads, "Panda Bear - A large black and white bear like mammal native to the far east. Eats shoots and leaves." 

[bneporadny]

I know there is another discussion out there about where everyone is coming from but I thought it would be more appropriate to post this in here and see if I can get other to do so as well.

Challenge post meme's or funny photos of where you're coming from.

 @mjennings  knows it's serious when you see this guy on TV with his suspenders on.

[mjennings]

Or this...

[kmeeusen]

[ptart]

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

[mjennings]

I asked  @wsomeral  ‌to post this here when he told it to me, but I guess he forgot so I will help him out:

Q: When does a joke become a dad joke?

A: When it becomes apparent. 

[ken_cooper]

Man, there is a total lack of jokes in this thread for a Monday. 

Is it bad I saw this one and my first thought was "OMG, I need to post this in the big shoes thread!"

[mjennings]

No  @ken_cooper ‌. It is the exact thing I hoped would happen. Keep laughing, keep sharing.

[mlerario1]

Talking to a fellow Carpenter about slider-door installation, I expressed a personal concern. "Is the stationary door still part of the building envelope?" 

[mlerario1]

In the Spring of 1982, I was hired by a Contractor to shake things up in a group of Laborers who were not servicing a Brick crew effectively. I ended up firing the lot and rebuilding with fewer, better trained men.

But I was not impressed with the new guys my boss sent me. One, in particular, John, seemed to be an underachiever, and I assumed, not very intelligent. I decided to go ahead and show him how to whip-up a batch of mortar in the mixer, and fill 5-gallon buckets so we can send them up the scaffold on a rope and well-wheel. “Just fill them half-way so the bucket doesn’t break,” I explained. "I will go up top. Bring the mud when you’re done here."

I left him there and hurried over to the scaffold. I climbed up to where the Mason stood. He was banging on his empty mortar pan with his trowel to express his impatience. I raised some bricks from the scaffold section just below his while I waited for John. But after 10 minutes, still no John and no mud. I began to get anxious, and the Mason banging on the steel mortar pan wasn’t helping matters. Finally, John came around the corner with a half-bucket of mud. He stopped at the well-wheel rope and set the bucket down. I yelled down to him, “John! Only one bucket? Why do you suppose God gave you two hands?”
 
He looked up, and rubbing is hands over his upper torso, proclaimed, “I thought it was to wash myself”.

I laughed very hard. More at myself, I think.

True story.

[hensonj]

[ptart]

Ban pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again!

I know - it's cheesy 😕

[mjennings]

It's gouda 'nuff for this site.

[awarmar]

When my friends told me to stop inpersonating a  flamingo, I had to put my foot down.   

[bneporadny]

[kmeeusen]

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a panda sitting next to him. "Are you a panda?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The panda replied, "Well, I liked the book."

[mjennings]

I wanted to tell you a joke about leeches. But I won’t – they all suck.

[mjennings]

Teacher asks the student: “Why are you so late?!” Student: “Well I was crossing the road and suddenly it says “School ahead, go slowly!”

[mjennings]

Would you like to hear a construction joke? Well I’m still working on it.

[mjennings]

[ptart]

Doctor: “I have some bad news, and I have some worse news...which would you like to have first?

Patient: “Well, give me the bad news.”

Doctor: “Your test results indicate that you only have 24 hours to live.”

Patient: “What can possibly be worse than that?”

Doctor: “I meant to call you yesterday.”

[bneporadny]

One week away from 

[mjennings]

Why did the lights go out? They liked each other a lot.
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Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.
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Why was the toilet paper rolling down the mountain? To get to the bottom.

[mjennings]

A guy was taking his girlfriend to prom. Getting ready, he went to a tux rental shop. There was a huge line but he eventually got his tuxedo. He then went to the florist. Again, there was a huge line, but he got the orchid in the end. Then he went to the limo rental place, and there was a big line there too! But he eventually managed to rent one. They got to the prom and danced for a little bit, and then his girlfriend asked for some punch. He went to get it – but there was no punch line!

[Chris_Hofer]

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

Geology rocks!

They're finally making a movie about clocks.  Well, it's about time!

I saw a sign that said "Falling Rocks".  I tried, and it doesn't.

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

For a fungi to grow, you must give it as mushroom as possible.

I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.

[tdelillo]

Your "falling rocks" joke made me laugh out loud (although I'll admit, it took me a second).

[Chris_Hofer]

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.  It means a lot.

My room mates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils, but that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I'm going to buy some Velcro for my shoes instead of laces.  Why knot?

I guy just threw milk at me.  How dairy!

[kmeeusen]

[hensonj]

[tdelillo]

[mjennings]

How do you mend a broken pumpkin?

You use a pumpkin patch.

[bneporadny]

[bneporadny]

[mjennings]

Since this is posted in the InstructureCarn 2018 sub space, I thought I would go ahead and close this for future comments. It's been fun folks. Keep laughing!!

Oh... you're still here. 

What?

You want to keep the jokes going?

I don't know. I mean the shows over.

Alright, alright. I hear you. How about this. I have made a new post that is just out in the community. Find it and the jokes can continue.

That's all.

Go away and find the new joke post.