Grab the big shoes and pile into the car

[mjennings]

Ladies and gentlemen; boys and girls, step right up and let's see who is the funniest clown in the #InstructureCarn!

As some may or may not know there was once a live forum, and in that forum was a place for Dad Jokes. I may have told one or two jokes in that spot and have definitely missed it through the last few months. So since there is a carnival a comin', I thought I would give people a chance to stretch their funny bone. If you have a good, funny, CLEAN joke* or GIF - share it with us!

I'll get us started with a few

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
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A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
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I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.

*as per Dad Joke protocol, the good & funny parts are optional, but please keep it clean.

[mjennings]

[Chris_Hofer]

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?

A: To stamp out fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: To stamp out burning ducks.

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Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

A: To hide in cherry trees.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?  (Normal response: "No.")

A: See, it worked!

[ptart]

You know why you never see elephants hiding in a cherry tree?

They are really good at it.

[mjennings]

What do you call a frog stuck in mud? Unhoppy.
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What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.
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What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth.

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If 10 cats are on a boat and 1 jumps out how many are left? None they're all copycats.

[awarmar]

[admin]

Did you hear about the secretary who got caught in the Xerox machine? She was beside herself all day.

[Chris_Hofer]

Q: What is large, gray, and writes gloomy poetry?

A: T.S. Elephant

Q: What is large, gray, and wears glass slippers?

A: Cinderelephant

Q: Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball?
A: She ran away from the ball, and she had a pumpkin as a coach.

Q: Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock?
A: Because it's a little meteor.

Q: Where does the king keep his little armies?

A: Up his little sleevies.

[admin]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

[Chris_Hofer]

Petrified Forest  :smileylaugh:

[Chris_Hofer]

Has anyone read any of these books?

• "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow
• "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
• "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
• "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
• "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
• "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
• "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath
• "Be Prepared" by Justin Case
• "How to Make Millions" by Robin Banks
• "The Roundtable" by Sir Cumference
• "Keep Reading" by Paige Turner

Feel free to add your own.  🙂

[ken_cooper]

 @Chris_Hofer  I just had someone send me some of these this morning.  Along with most of those I'll add:

• "How to Write Big Books" by Warren Peace
• "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
• "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty
• "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
• "Shhh! '' by Danielle Soloud
• "The Post Office" by Imelda Letter

[Chris_Hofer]

I wonder if your friend "likes" the same "Punny Pete" Facebook Page that I do?  That's where I saw these...including all the ones you've posted.  🙂

[ken_cooper]

Haha, that has to be it.  I just got texts with pictures of the posts on them.  She does love puns a lot...that's too hilarious, makes sense now .  Was surprised to see them so close to when she texted me, lol!

[mjennings]

I taught a wolf to meditate. Now he's Aware Wolf.
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What do you call a labrador that becomes a magician? A labracadabrador.
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What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.

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What do you call a talking dinosaur? Thesaurus.
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[bneporadny]

"How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"

"Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted."

"Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks."

"I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"

[bneporadny]

What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don’t have it.
Johnny’s father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

[Chris_Hofer]

Elvis Costello and Abba are touring together this Summer, but they haven't figured out who the headliner will be.  So, watch for Abba and Costello to find out who's on first.

[tdelillo]

Laughing at this made me feel old.

[mjennings]

Rest in peace boiling water, you will be mist.
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What happens when four children lock themselves in a wardrobe? That's narnia business..
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What's the best way to find out how heavy your red hot chilli pepper is? Give it a weigh, Give it a weigh, Give it a weigh now.
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[bneporadny]

Which circus performers can see in the dark?
(The acro-bats!)

Did you hear about the human cannonball?
(He got fired!)

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
(The heat was in-tents!)

Why did the clown go to the doctor?
(Because he was feeling a little funny!)

Why did the clown throw his clock out of the window?
He wanted to see time fly!)

What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?
(Go for the juggler/jugular!)

Why did the clown wear loud socks!
(So his feet wouldn't fall asleep!)

I'd like to take over the clown's job!
(Those are big shoes to fill!)

[mjennings]

I like that these keep with the InstructureCarn theme!!

[bneporadny]

What kind of a key opens a banana?
(A monkey!)

Why did the monkey like the banana?
(Because it had appeal!)

What did the banana say to the monkey?
(Nothing, bananas can't talk!)

What do monkeys do for laughs?
(They tell jokes about people!)

What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
(Anything you want, it can't hear you!)

What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
(It won't be long now.)

Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail?
(To a retailer!)

Why don't monkeys play cards in the jungle?
(There are too many cheetahs there!)

[Chris_Hofer]

I have a fear of this speed bump, but I'm slowly getting over it.

[kmeeusen]

Q: You have two big flies in your kitchen; how do you tell which one is the cowboy?

A: The one on the range.

Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week, folks!

[bneporadny]

[Chris_Hofer]

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit?  They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.  They second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you cant have your kayak and heat it, too.

[mjennings]

Whiteboards are quite remarkable.

[mjennings]

[kmeeusen]

• About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
• "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
• My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
• My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
• Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Hold the applause, and just throw money!

[mlerario1]

So concerned about this sudden change in my health status, I went immediately to see my GP. "Please," I said to his Receptionist, "I need to see the Doctor right away. I'm shrinking!" 

"Please have a seat," she replied. "And try to be a little patient."

[Chris_Hofer]

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

Me: Word.

Boss: Get out.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...I will find you.  You have my Word!

[kmeeusen]

I like that one,  @Chris_Hofer ‌ !

[kmeeusen]

[bneporadny]

How do you get down off an elephant?
(You don't, you get down off a duck!)

What game do you NOT want to play with an elephant?
(Squash!)

What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
(You get out of the way!)

How do you know if there is a elephant in your refrigerator?
(The door won't shut!)

How do you know if there's a elephant in your refrigerator?
(Look for footprints in the pizza!)

How do you raise a baby elephant?
(With a fork lift!)

Why are elephants so wrinkled?
(They take too long to iron!)

What is gray and blue and very big?
(An elephant holding it's breath!)

What time is it when an elephant sits on your watch?
(Time to get a new watch!)

Why did the elephant wear green sneakers?
(Her red ones were in the wash!)

What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?
(The police made him bring it back!)

Why do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
(Stuck!)

[admin]

How do you make an elephant fly?

(Use a 12-foot zipper.)

[kmeeusen]

What is black and white and red in places?

An embarrassed panda!

What is black and white with red dots?

A panda with chicken pox!

What is black and white, black and white and green?

Two pandas squabbling over a pear!

What is black and white and striped?

A panda in pajamas!

Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are in black and white.

What's black and white and bounces?

A rubber panda.

Thanks again, folks! Remember I am here all week!

[bneporadny]

[admin]

Two chuckles to submit:

(1)  Question:  What do you call a belt made out watches?

       Answer....a waist of time

(2)  Teacher: "Tommy, can you define 'fishing" for the class?"

      Tommy: "Mom says that fishing is a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk on the other."

[jeremy_mciver]

Every time I get undressed in the bathroom

The shower gets turned on.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decaffeinated!

Teacher: When I was your age I could name all the presidents in proper order.

Student: Yeah, but when you were my age there had been only three or four!

I love the way the earth turns.

It really makes my day.

Triangles and squares all agree that circles are pointless.

I handed out all of my dead batteries,

Free of charge!

My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home!