Grab the big shoes and pile into the car

[mjennings]

Ladies and gentlemen; boys and girls, step right up and let's see who is the funniest clown in the #InstructureCarn!

As some may or may not know there was once a live forum, and in that forum was a place for Dad Jokes. I may have told one or two jokes in that spot and have definitely missed it through the last few months. So since there is a carnival a comin', I thought I would give people a chance to stretch their funny bone. If you have a good, funny, CLEAN joke* or GIF - share it with us!

I'll get us started with a few

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
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A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
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I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.
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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.

*as per Dad Joke protocol, the good & funny parts are optional, but please keep it clean.

[Chris_Hofer]

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"

"Yeah."

"What is it?"

"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."

"Right.  Have you heard of Cole's Law?"

"No, what is it?"

"Thinly sliced cabbage."

[Chris_Hofer]

My friend writes lyrics about sewing machines. She's a Singer songwriter.

[Chris_Hofer]

[bneporadny]

[kmeeusen]

What do you call a mathematician who flies airplanes?

A  πlot

[kmeeusen]

How far can you recite Pi?

• Apple
• Cherry
• Blueberry
• Pumpkin
• Banana cream
• Coconut cream
• Strawberry rhubarb
• Chocolate cream
• Peach
• Pecan
• Sweet potato
• Lemon Meringue
• Key Lime
• Lemon custard
• Meat..................................

[tdelillo]

You know, I kind of want this thread to never end. It's becoming the highlight of my day.

[kmeeusen]

I'm with you,  @tdelillo  This is a place I check every day, and contribute to almost daily! I mean, how can you go wrong with 9+ pages of humor?

[julian]

As a token Australian on the group, I take my responsibility seriously to bring some Aussie dad jokes to the table.

Why did the cockatoo sit on the clock?
So he’d be on time!

What Australian animal can jump higher than the Sydney Harbour Bridge?
All of them – because bridges can’t jump.

How do Aussies start every joke?
By looking over their shoulder.

What do you call a LAN party in Australia?
The LAN Down Under

[ptart]

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

Husband: “The weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?
Wife: “Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake!’”

I didn't know my wife was a construction site thief, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

What's ET short for?
Because he has little legs.

What goes ha ha thump?
Someone laughing their head off

Why did the calendar start to cry?
He found out his days were numbered.

[mjennings]

[mjennings]

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

[mjennings]

Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day.

[mjennings]

I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing windows.

[ptart]

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.

[ptart]

What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here, I'll go on a head.

[julian]

Sometimes I like to go the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver yelling “Ladies and gentleman this is not a drill”

[bneporadny]

Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
A: It gets toad away.

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: Put it on my bill.

Henry, in marketing research, was interviewing people on the street and had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this.

'Which shaving cream do you use?'

Paul answered, 'Nathan's,' and proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, 'Nathan's.'
'Which aftershave do you use?' -'Nathan's.'
'Which deodorant do you use?'  - 'Nathan's.'
'Which toothpaste do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which shampoo do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which soap do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'

Finally, a bit frustrated, Henry asked, 'Ok, tell me, What is this "Nathans?" Is it an international or local brand?'

Smiling broadly Paul replied, 'No, he's my flat-mate!'

[Chris_Hofer]

Never iron a four-leaf clover, because you don't want to press your luck.

"Cheer up," my friend told me.  "Things could be worse.  You could be underground in a hole full of water."

It's annoying, but I know he means well.

If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would it be ok, or would you have...  mixed fillings?

I was walking past my fridge last night and thought I heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song.  But when I opened the door, it was just the chives talking.

I once offered a teddy bear dinner, but he said, "No thanks...I'm already stuffed."

[traciebosket]

What is brown and sticky?

a stick

[ptart]

Without geometry, life is pointless.

[admin]

Walt Disney said just before being cryogenically preserved, "Many are cold, but few are frozen."

[ptart]

I love the way the world turns.

It really makes my day!

[bneporadny]

[udelhsar]

[kmeeusen]

[kmeeusen]

[Chris_Hofer]

 

  

[mjennings]

[mjennings]

I wonder how letters ever get to the recipient. The envelopes, after all, are stationery.

[mjennings]

I never knew eggs were good for the eyes, but my cousin claims they gave him eggcelent vision.

[mjennings]

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness. It really came out of the green.

[bneporadny]

[mjennings]

I just "liked" the post about the piano, tuna fish and glue. But I liked it better when I posted it back on page 6. 

[bneporadny]

[bneporadny]

[tellison]

[kmeeusen]

Oooooo................. love bad science jokes, Tammy!

Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry labs?
A: Methylated Spirits!

Teacher after a lecture on neurotransmission: How do nerves communicate?
Student: Cellular phones.

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms were walking down the hallway when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm absolutely positive."

Q: How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
A: An itsy bitsy book.

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulg?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.

Q: Why did Bill hate astronomy?
A: He thinks black holes suck.

Q: How is a black hole created?
A: Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks space.

Q: What weapon can you make from the chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.

[mjennings]

[tdelillo]

Yeah,  @mjennings ‌ is winning today's round of "Make Tracey Laugh".